Mmmmm as in ‘massage’

To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.

Mahatma Gandhi


Yesterday evening was sooooooooooooooooooo nice :) Since my back has been aching for 3 weeks now, I finally agreed to go visit a teammate of mine who has been trying to convince me for ages that I should let him give me a massage. He’s studying to become a masseur, so he knows what he’s doing with his hands. Although I’m somewhat reluctant when it comes to letting random people touch me, I was also getting really fed up with this pain in my lower back. And, well, he’s not THAT random any more, as we’ve been playing D&D on a weekly basis at his place since late autumn.

It was so relaxing, I almost drooled all over his mat :D The lights were off, soothing music was playing quietly and he’d lit a huge scented candle as well. All I had to do was lie there and let him jiggle and press and pat me from head to toe for an hour or so. It felt incredibly awesome to go completely limp and give away all control over my body and limbs. Even my mind was drained of all cognitive activity, so the brain was rested as well. I’m still surprised I didn’t simply fall asleep right there :)

I think we need to do this again some time soon.


Categories: borrowed feathers, yay | Leave a comment

Real estate is not what it’s cracked up to be

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

Alexander Pope


Why is it always so that just when you’re getting your life in order, someone politely taps you on your shoulder and when you turn your head to see who it is, they slyly piss on your foot while you’re looking the other way?

Long story short, the neighbours (or at least one neighbour, who may or may not have tried to set the others against me) of my hometown flat are suddenly extremely pissed off at me that I still don’t live in my apartment nor renovate it and sent me a rude and threatening e-mail. I’m pretty sure this has to do with a certain news article that stirred passions around here a few weeks ago, as to my knowledge nobody gave a damn until now. Since several people there have my phone number, I stupidly assumed that someone would, you know, give me a call if something was bothering them. Apparently I was gravely mistaken and instead received an e-mail under which all the people in the house had ‘signed’ and which demanded that I immediately take action regarding the apartment. Else they’ll sue me and maybe even force me to sell it against my will because they are convinced that my carelessness will cause the house to fall to pieces.

What the fuck, people? What happened to saying ‘yo, there’s an issue, what are you going to do about it?’ first, like normal grown-ups do? My apartment is insulated well enough so that the temperature does not drop below 0 in any weather and there is absolutely no water usage there, which means no moisture either. Every time I’ve been there it’s been as dry as in a pyramid, for fuck’s sake. And as for the heating – Jesus Christ on a tricycle, people! – it’s March! Where were you in November, or even January?


Apparently there have been no meetings of the apartment owners’ association – or so I was told – but amazingly they all decided to contact me all at once, channeling their thoughts through this one individual. If it turns out that I was lied to and there actually have been meetings in the past few years or so, I will be extremely miffed, as that would mean I have all the obligations but no rights, since I have not been informed of any such gatherings at all.

When I replied to that e-mail and asked why was I being threatened with court from square one, the response was ‘this is not a threat, this is a warning!’ Well, I don’t know – statements that end in ‘…OR ELSE!!!’ pretty much classify as threats in my book. I am yet to receive a reply to my last e-mail in which I explained why this sort of approach is not very profitable if the goal is to find a solution to the problem and wanted to know what it exactly is that they want me to do then, as this was not pointed out neither before nor after the ‘warning’. Unfortunately I only have this one person’s e-mail address but I asked her to share my latest response with the whole house. I’ll wait for a while and then I’ll probably call my next door neighbour and ask about his point of view on the matter.

Yes, RDN – if you’re reading this you’re welcome to happily go ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ all over the place.

Oh well. I was planning to sell my car and use the $$$ as a down-payment for a new one but it seems that I’m going to have to use it for renovation purposes instead and learn to live without four wheels again for a while. To be honest, I can’t carry on like this forever – owning two flats I can’t live in and paying rent for the third, so maybe this was a kick I sort of needed… but there are the friendlier kind of kicks and then there are kicks in the teeth.

Well, my New Year’s Winamp prediction *did* describe my relations with neighbours this year with ‘Count to 6 and Die’. *le sigh*

And for some reason I’ve been playing this song over and over and over tonight:

They say that I’m a clown
making too much dirty sound
they say there is no place
for little monkey in this town
nobody like to be
in my place instead of me
’cause nobody go crazy
when I banging on my boogie

Categories: arrrgh, I am disappoint, moving pictures | Leave a comment


The Wise-Woman spake:
14. “Home ride, Othin, | be ever proud;
For no one of men | shall seek me more
Till Loki wanders | loose from his bonds,
And to the last strife | the destroyers come.”

Baldr’s Dreams


I saw a strange and action-packed dream last night. I can’t remember it very vividly any more but I was with a few rebellious guys. We attacked some larger group late at night and then fled to an abandoned house afterwards. We were, however, chased and some of the avengers followed us there but we killed them one by one. It was clear that this was just the beginning of the conflict and the next day forces would be gathered and shit would hit the fan for real. In the house where we took refuge there was also a wolf and a shape-changing snake. The wolf was clearly used to these guys and acted calmly around us, almost like a dog who just doesn’t care much about what’s happening around it. I was anxious that we would be killed before morning but I was assured that this won’t happen and we all went to sleep.

Which meant I woke up in my bed and soon afterwards clicked on a link in my FB news feed, namely this one:

As far as the Vikings are concerned, the world will end on Saturday.

According to Norse mythology, Ragnarok or “Doom of the Gods,” has been brewing for about 100 days. On Saturday, all the gods including Thor, Loki, Odin, Freyr and Hermóðr, will fight in an epic battle. Odin will be killed by Fenrir and the other creator gods will fall.

“The legend of Ragnarok tells of the fall of the Norse gods and the birth of a new world, but, of course, if we wake up to the same old world on the morning of Sunday, February 23, we’ll have no regrets – our celebrations also mark Jolablot, the Viking feast to hail the coming of spring, which to many people is the annual rebirth of the world!” Danielle Daglan, director of the 30th JORVIK Viking Festival to celebrate the apocalyptic event, told the Yorkshire Post in England.

Legend has it Ragnarok will begin when Fenrir the wolf breaks free from his imprisonment. This sets off a chain reaction of events where Jormungand the Midgard snake rises from the sea and a wolf eats the sun. This will culminate in a titanic battle among the gods, men and all the races of the nine worlds.

I must say I was a bit shocked, seeing how well it all fit together :D Clearly I was with Loki and the gang (if you mention anything about these atrocities called the Thor movies, I will cut you), I just didn’t know it at the time.

Categories: through the looking-glass | Leave a comment

New horizons ahoy!

Let the past hold on to itself and let the present move forward into the future.

“Mostly Harmless”, Douglas Adams


Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day :) On Friday I waved good-bye to my old job and had a few drinks with the cool kids in the evening, despite being in ailing health (hardcore sneezing and coughing) but hey, mama needed booze!

I’m getting better already and can’t wait to start with the new job, which is going to look a little something like this:

no idea

I got a brand new work laptop with ridiculous battery life (Lenovo ThinkPad T440s) and could also get a work phone if I wanted to. Am still not sure whether or not to apply for it… on the one hand – free awesome new gadget :D On the other hand there’s the obligation to pick it up at all hours, although the possibility that I will actually be needed outside office hours is quite small. Man, I can’t help but get excited when it comes to getting my greedy little fingers on new techy stuff :3

On Friday I’ll be taking part in the team event with the new guys. It’s going to be me and 18 dudes in a spa :D There’s two more persons of the female persuasion in the department besides me but they won’t be attending. Oh well, seeing as all the rooms that have been booked are twin rooms, it probably means I’ll get one all by myself :) I was kind of hoping we’d be going to shoot stuff but I guess a spa with bowling tracks will have to do… :P I hope we’ll have enough sober time there so I can go and hang around in the pools, would not mind splashing around in warm water in the slightest.

The second half of next week is going to be quite hardcore, actually. My liver is weeping already in the certain knowledge that it will have a tough job to get through. On Thursday we’ll go out and celebrate Miss R.’s birthday with just a couple of closest friends, Friday is the team event day and when we get back on Saturday some time in the afternoon, I’ll have a few hours to make myself look pretty and then go to UG to celebrate the double birthday party of Arcanar & Miss R.

And then Sunday morning will arrive, as heavy as original sin, when I have to be at my volunteer organisation’s compulsory yearly meeting at 11AM and read out the audit which I still haven’t got because some people think it better to just disappear instead of letting me know they have trouble getting their part done in time. *le sigh*

Ah well, busy times ahead :) We like busy times.

Categories: borrowed feathers, toiling | Leave a comment

Sometimes it sucks to be attractive

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”

Ellen DeGeneres


I had a rather creepy experience today when I was going to the centre and thought I’d take the bus. Seeing as I mostly either drive or walk due to my strange working hours, I haven’t bought a 30-day card yet (probably will get one in February, once I jump on the Mo-Fri bandwagon). Anyway – there I was, smiling at the bus driver and asking for a ticket. He was not exactly ugly but definitely nearing or already in his 60s.

The dude took one look at me and his face lit up while he instantly switched into perv mode. He proceeded to bombard me in an oily voice with statements like “Do you have a tongue piercing as well? That lip ring looks awesome!” I’d have shrugged and laughed it off if he had just left it at that but no, he deliberately kept fumbling with the tickets in his hand and talking to me non-stop about how pretty I am with all those piercings and whatnot. I didn’t even register half of what he was saying, as he caught me totally off-guard but in the end, when I’d been waiting for my ticket for over a minute (maybe even two, it definitely did seem like an eternity), I finally glared at him and said quite loudly “Ha ha, can I get my ticket now, please?”

He then simply had to give it to me because the situation was getting really awkward and he was running late on the schedule. And yet he managed to squeeze in one last remark: “You’re quite the wild kitty, aren’t you?” *wink-wink*


All I wanted was a goddamn €1 bus ticket :( What I didn’t bargain for was an unshakeable urge to shower because he was just so… sleazy. It’s none of his goddamn business if I have a tongue piercing or 5 nipple rings on either boob! If I had an euro for every time I have been asked by men I don’t know whether I have any more piercings in other places than my visible face area, I could go to a bar and get shitfaced. Only I wouldn’t, because you see, there would probably be yet another guy who’d feel the need to approach me with the exact same question.

It’s like women with visible tattoos and piercings are automatically space aliens or sluts who deserve no respect. Not saying that all guys have this attitude, thankfully there are still some normal ones left in the world, but those who do… hooo boy. Technically, the whole do-you-have-a-tongue-piercing-as-well-seeing-as-you-have-a-lip-ring thing wouldn’t be so bad, if only it didn’t end with “Will you suck my dick then?” so often. But it does.


Oh well, on a lighter note – I stumbled across a meme today:


This was my result:

Robin had waited ten minutes, to make sure Strike was not about to come back, before making several delightful phone calls from her mobile phone.
- ‘The Cuckoo’s Calling’ by Robert Galbraith (J. K. Rowling)


Categories: arrrgh, borrowed feathers, memes are good for you | Leave a comment

Winamp tells the future!

This is a traditional (for me, anyway) end-of-year shuffle game :) Sometimes the results are scarily accurate in retrospect.

The rules are simple: add all your music folders to your player of choice and set it on shuffle. The titles of tracks will be answers to the questions below.

1. Where am I by the beginning of 2014?
Deicide – Sacrificial Suicide

Suicide sacrifice
Destruction of holy life
Blood of unholy knife
Satan I sacrifice
Behold the crucifix, symbol of sterility I am crucifix
Satan Suicide sacrifice, profeasting evil night

Well, it’s not quite as dramatic as THAT, not yet :D

2. My main task in 2014.
Metallica – Enter Sandman

Something’s wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren’t of Snow White

Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragon’s fire
And of things that will bite

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

I guess I’m going to be busy!
*obligatory evil laugh*

3. Self-fulfillment in 2014, my “me” this year.
Flying Pickets – Blowing Away

I’ve been romanced dined and danced
Crazy nights and wild times
But my life has lost its mystery
Love is blind and it cannot find me

Well, that’s a bit… depressing. Perhaps I should take that as a reminder to remember to love myself more.

4. Financial matters in 2014.
Propeller – Pankrannik

Seeing as ‘pank’ means ‘bank’ and ‘rannik’ is ‘coast – I’ll be swimming in money? :D

5. Relatives and neighbours in 2014.
Marilyn Manson – Count to 6 and Die

HAHAHAHAH xD Dear lord.

6. Home in 2014.
Alice Cooper – I’m Eighteen

I’m eighteen and I like it
Yes, I like it
Oh, I like it
Love it
Like it
Love it
I’m eighteen and I like it

Sounds promising! Party hard?

7. Love in 2014.
Alice Cooper – I Better Be Good

If I’m caught without my pants
Consuelo’s dad is gonna shoot
Until he sees me dance
So, I better be good, I had better be good

Bwahahah, lots of thrilling sex ahead, it seems :D

8. Health in 2014.
Flying Pickets – Something Inside So Strong

The higher you build your barriers
The taller I become
The farther you take my rights away
The faster I will run

Yep, I actually feel myself getting more fit and it does feel nice :)

9. Partnership in 2014.
Nince Inch Nails – Sin

It comes down to this.
Your kiss.
Your fist.
And your strain.
It get’s under my skin.
Take in the extent of my sin


10. Loans, mysticism and sex in 2014.
Eric Clapton – Walkin’ Blues

Woke up this morning, feel ’round for my shoes,
You know ’bout that babe, had them old walkin’ blues.

Well, I don’t usually loan shoes… definitely a mystical result.

11. Travels in 2014.
Queen – Love Of My Life

Love of my life – you’ve hurt me
You’ve broken my heart and now you leave me
Love of my life can’t you see
Bring it back, bring it back
Don’t take it away from me
Because you don’t know -
What it means to me

Oh please no, no more travelling related to romantic interests…

12. Career and new work-related commitments in 2014.
Evanescense – Haunted

Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can’t find what keeps me here


13. Friends and social affairs in 2014.
David Bowie – Chilly Down

Chilly down with the fire gang
Act tall with the fire gang
Good times, bad food
When your thing gets wild
Chilly down, chilly down

Drive you crazy, really lazy
Eye rollin’, funky strollin’
Ball playin’, hip swayin’
Trouble makin’, booty shakin’

Tripping, passing, jumping, bouncing
Drivin’, stylin’, creeping, pouncing
Shoutin’, screamin’, double dealin’
Rockin’, rollin’ and a reelin’
With the mackin’ sex appealin’
Can you dig our groovy feelin’?

My friends are awesome indeed ;)

14. Secrets and processes in the subconscious in 2014.
AC/DC – T.N.T.

Cos I’m
I’m Dynamite
And I’ll win the fight
I’m a power-load
Watch me Explode


15. Where am I by the end of 2014?
Metallica – Ronnie

Yeah, well all the green things died
When Ronnie moved to this place
He said
Don’t you dare ask
Why I’m cursed to wear this face

Now we all know why
The children called him Ronnie Frown
When he pulled that gun from his pocket
They all fall down, down, down

Yep, going postal, finally :D

Categories: memes are good for you | 2 Comments

Rant ahoy

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”

Bill Cosby


I posted a rather light FB status update today stating that it really grinds my gears when people try to convince me I’m in the wrong just because I do things differently from them.

A random guy I happen to know piped up with “well, maybe now you understand how annoying those LGBT activists are”.


Unfortunately, I cannot say I was the wiser person here and just let it go. No, I had to start arguing with him and you know what they say about arguing with idiots – they’ll drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

I really don’t know why he still keeps me in his contact list, as it’s not the first time he’s expressed his dissatisfaction regarding my choice of topics. You see, he happens to be a MRA (though I doubt he’s even heard of the term, whining about how white straight males are so oppressed just comes naturally to him).

I, too, have berated people for stuff they have shared on FB, but those were images of tortured animals and dead babies – all in the name of awareness. Mother of god – if you actually need to tell people on your friends list that hurting animals is bad, you might want to find some better friends!


I used to have some rather… uh, strange notions about ‘life, the universe and everything’ once. It really makes me cringe when I read some of the stuff I put down when I was 18 – how could I possibly have been so narrow-minded?! But there you go, at least I grew out of it and am now able to see the bigger picture. Some people never do.

Categories: arrrgh, borrowed feathers | 2 Comments

Oh, look out you rock’n’rollers

I still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste
was not so sweet

“Changes”, David Bowie


Ch-ch-ch-changes indeed, in personal life and at work, too.

I’m hoping that 2014 will be better for me than 2013 has been. There were some really cool moments and times when I was really happy but the second half of the year was filled with continuous anxiety and heartbreak. I really don’t need any more of that shit in my life, thankyouverymuch. Funny how people manage to convince themselves that things aren’t that bad, really, and by ‘people’ I mean ‘me’. I’ve always preferred horrible endings to never-ending horror but somehow I could not put two and two together this time. I just dearly wish it all had ended in August for real, as it should have, instead of swinging on the proverbial fence for months to come. Anyway, this chapter has been finished, new and exciting ones are about to begin.

I think all my Inner Circle people noticed how the uncertainty of my situation throughout this autumn affected my well-being and they were totally there for me with the safety net when the inevitable fall took place. I could not ask for better friends even if I strained my imagination really hard. For these people I am deeply grateful to the Unnamed Spirit of the Universe and in return I will go through flaming brick walls for them, if necessary.

As for changes at work – weeeeell… I will move to a completely different position in February (same company, different floor). My future boss is extremely happy to have me there, he even told me that if they had had a vision of the ideal candidate, it would have been me. Awww yiss :) I will have normal working hours – that means no more waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to make it to the morning shift, no more worrying whether or not I have the weekend off!

The funny bit is that I still have no idea what it exactly is that I’ll be doing :P The tasks are going to be rather versatile, which means there will be very little day-to-day dullness and that is very important for me. I definitely need to read up on VMware and remember all that Linuxstuffz I’ve forgotten by now. Perhaps the most intriguing bit about this change of positions is that at my current job we have procedures and guidelines for mostly everything but my boss-to-be said that there are no such things where I’m going and that he is very much looking forward to my suggestions for improvement etc., which – unless I completely misunderstood him – basically translates to “we’d like you to help us create procedures and put them down in written form”. I think that is awesome.

So, less than 2 weeks until the new year. It better be better or I’ll make it regret the day I was born!

Categories: internal inspection, moving pictures, toiling | Leave a comment


‘Where Are We Going?’ said Dorfl, as Vimes strolled across the Brass Bridge.
‘I thought I might break you in gently with some guard duty at the palace,’ said Vimes.
‘Ah. This Is Where My New Friend Constable Visit Is Also On Guard,’ said Dorfl.
‘I Wish To Ask You A Question,’ said the golem.
‘I Smashed The Treadmill But The Golems Repaired It. Why? And I Let The Animals Go But They Just Milled Around Stupidly. Some of Them Even Went Back To The Slaughter Pens. Why?’
‘Welcome to the world, Constable Dorfl.’
‘Is It Frightening To Be Free?’
‘You said it.’
‘You Say To People “Throw Off Your Chains” And They Make New Chains For Themselves?’
‘Seems to be a major human activity, yes.’
Dorfl rumbled as he thought about this. ‘Yes,’ he said eventually. ‘I Can See Why. Freedom Is Like Having The Top Of Your Head Opened Up.’

“Feet of Clay”, Terry Pratchett


I’ve always felt ambiguous about the meaning of freedom. On the one hand I don’t fancy being controlled by anyone except myself, on the other hand… I guess I’m taking the word rather existentially, as to me it mostly means “not being tied to anything, at all”.

When I was very depressed a few years ago, I used to feel free in a rather scary way. I felt like I was bouncing along the world in a hamster ball, while even gravity had mostly given up on me. Imagine walking on the Moon – you just bound along in slow motion. So I was just a passive passenger who felt she could not reach out to anything and nothing in the outside world could stop my journey either. Just gently gliding through Stuff That Matters To Other People, from whom I have been separated by that hard curving wall.

It was really fucking lonely.

When I finally managed to break that Hamster Ball of Depression, one of my first goals was to create new and strong ties with people, so I would not drift away like that again. I think the main reason why I did not seriously consider suicide while being depressed was that it simply seemed like too much effort. I had stopped caring about mostly everything, especially myself.

I’ve come a long way since then but I still feel the need to check every once in a while if the ties I’ve made are still strong. Sometimes I haven’t tied knots very well or the rope just isn’t suitable for this purpose and it all comes undone. Other times the knots simply remain even tighter. And sometimes I just want to make a noose out of one.

Categories: borrowed feathers, dark tones, internal inspection, moving pictures | Leave a comment

The Part played by Labour in the Transition from Ape to Man

“This planet has – or rather had – a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn’t the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.”

Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”


I’ve been quiet on the blog front as I have had new challenges at work – I am almost done training my new teammates. My boss gave me free rein regarding how I do it – on the one hand it is nice to be able to organise things as I see fit, on the other… sometimes it has felt like reinventing the wheel.

We have a rather steady flow of new people among us, as we are held in high regard in other departments due to our thorough knowledge concerning how the whole enormous system fits together. This means that the more experienced ones are often offered a position in another department which they tend to accept because the novelty of working in shifts wears down after a while and it is nice to actually have a sleeping schedule. Anyway, I digress.

I have been training new people since the beginning of October and while I like teaching and have been doing extremely well (especially as it is my first time), it has been significantly more tiring than I originally anticipated. The most difficult obstacle to conquer has been the fact that I am a hard-coded introvert. Talking to people all day long leaves me drained and exhausted. The only cure is enough alone-time to be able to tackle the next day and if I don’t get that, I become very grumpy and yet I must not vent my spleen at work. Finding a balance here has been a challenge indeed.

Yesterday was extra stressful, as I had to make a difficult choice – I was offered a very expensive training course (on the company’s expenses, naturally) that might come in handy in the future but the catch was that I would have had to give up 2 out of 8 days with my Gentleman, whom I last saw in July. Had I known earlier that the training course would be held during the weekend, plane tickets might have been rearranged but I had only been told not to begin my vacation that week and pick the next one instead.

So I chose to be with the Gentleman and I already know beforehand that he will scold me for this when I tell him I decided in his favour instead of a certificate. It was not at all easy to decide and I am not 100% certain that I made the right choice but it seems to me that even if I had chosen differently, I would have doubts just the same. That is just the way it is with decisions that will affect your life in a very direct manner, however you try to look at them. The only way to know whether you chose the right thing is to wait and see if it all works out and that really sucks.

Money is not my god and I have deliberately tried to refrain from letting it guide my decisions, if possible. Then again, I am very dedicated to my work, perhaps even to the point of being a workaholic… if I do not choose my significant other over a piece of paper, then what am I?

Categories: borrowed feathers, toiling | Leave a comment

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