Word cloud in the desert of silence

Who would have thought that blogs don’t write themselves? Here’s a word cloud of this one so far, maybe I’ll rediscover writing one day.

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Winamp says what will happen in 2017!

I don’t even know how many times I have done this already but it’s many years now.

The rules are simple: add all your music folders to your player of choice and set it on shuffle. The titles of tracks will be answers to the questions below. (I usually skip instrumental tracks but that is a personal preference.)

1. Where am I by the beginning of 2017?

Velikije Luki – Tallinn põleb

…uhh… 😀

2. My main task in 2017.

Nine Inch Nails – Underneath It All

All I do
I can still feel you
Numb all through
I can still feel you
Hear your call
Underneath it all

I suppose I should be a bit less of an egoist?

3. Self-fulfillment in 2017, my “me” this year.

Paradise Lost – Disappear

In living with a fear of chance
The chance of fear
The only reason you’re awake
We decrease in size
When burdened with your mind
But you know escape is to run

Either I’m going to lose a lot of weight or… I dunno? No clue.

4. Financial matters in 2017.

Nine Inch Nails – Meet Your Master

Bow down in position
Against the polished steel
This is something different
You’ll like the way this feels
No time for asking questions
No time for wondering
We’ve had enough of you now
You’ve heard everything

Uh… based on the lyrics it’s going to be a tough one but I’ve always loved the song so maybe the challenges will prove to be good in the end?

5. Relatives and neighbours in 2017.

White Skull – The Killing Queen

Kill the fierce her only deep desire
She waited years her anger getting higher
No way she wanted revenge
Hagen knew he left the land forever
He was well aware, he slained the hero
Its guilt, he’ll never deny

…perhaps I should keep away from my relatives? 😀

6. Home in 2017.

Laines – Laul kollasest lillest

Well, at least my home will be my castle where I will feel happy 🙂

7. Love in 2017.

Jäääär – Kohtumine

Pean üksi virelema kevadeni,
Sest noorelt mul surra, on mul tuju.

If the lyrics say I’m going to have to suffer alone until spring, then that’s fine… if spring means that the Handsome Gentleman will finally move in.

8. Health in 2017.

Музыкальный коллектив Петра Налича – Ты ищи меня во сне

Based on the lyrics I’d guess it’s going to be lazy but peaceful for me health-wise.

9. Partnership in 2017.

Scooter – Back in the UK

Once again, we have the plan
Driving you wild, as good as we can
Don’t stop us now, we’re gonna make you move
Raving outside to the passionate groove

I’m fine with that 😀

10. Loans, mysticism and sex in 2017.

Kollane Allveelaev G – Olla võib halb aeg ka hea

The song literally says “bad times can also be good if I’m next to you” so I’m kinda hopeful 😀

11. Travels in 2017.

J.M.K.E. – Petiste vabariik

Looks like I won’t be going anywhere.

12. Career and new work-related commitments in 2017.

Bay City Rollers – Yesterday’s Hero

When you walk down the street,
If you’re sorry then don’t feel bad,
If you followed my story, then just be glad,
You ain’t in my shoes
Haven’t you seen my face before,
Yes, I was the boy who used to live next door,
Yes, I was on television ev’ry night,
Haven’t you seen me round.
Take a look at me, I’m yesterday’s hero,
Yesterday’s hero

O…K… so I’m hoping to get through this rough patch quickly?

13. Friends and social affairs in 2017.

Кино – Это Не Любовь

Again – I love the song very much but the lyrics do not seem to be optimistic…

14. Secrets and processes in the subconscious in 2017.

Queen – No-One But You (Only The Good Die Young)

OH COME ON, 2017!!!

15. Where am I by the end of 2017?

AC/DC – C.O.D.

Call of a dog
Cry of a bitch
The cream of a dream is the cause of the itch
Call on the doctor
Cash on demand
If I get enough rope might even hang
C.o.d. care of the devil
C.o.d. the devil in me

Right. I think I give up.

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Old and new

Never agree to marry a man because he has potential. Men are not houses, they do not make good fixer-uppers.

Jill Shalvis


Houses, however… Well, take a look.

Categories: borrowed feathers, my castle, yay | 2 Comments

A touch of spring in the middle of winter

“We’d been apart so long–I’d been dead so long,” she said in English. “I thought surely you’d built a new life, with no room in it for me. I’d hoped that.”
“My life is nothing but room for you.” I said. “It could never be filled by anyone but you.”

‘Mother Night’, Kurt Vonnegut


“I’m back in the grey wet bleakness known as home. The contrast with Barcelona is remarkable – only a few days ago I was walking in a zoo in just my jeans and a T-shirt, whereas returning here meant below zero temperatures and snow blizzards (and a rather morose mood after learning the fact that my luggage decided to spend way longer in Amsterdam than I did… got it the next day though). However, all that pretty white snow has melted into a yucky mushy brown substance and the sidewalks are covered in melting ice for that extra slippery touch. The flu season is also in full swing, so I hope that the vaccine I got in the autumn will help protect me, I could really do without all those pains and fevers, thankyouverymuch.”


Yay, the plane is having a sauna!

The above is a paragraph that has been sitting in the drafts folder for two months now. I can proudly say that I did not get the flu, so I guess the flu shot worked. It’s looking a bit more like spring at home as well by now but just barely.

Anyway, Barcelona was fun and a lot less awkward than I thought it would be. I guess it might have been different but due to missing my initial connecting flight (my first plane needed thorough de-icing  which took a lot longer than expected) I was so tired and bent out of shape when I finally got there that I simply had no more fucks to give.

Long story short – me and the Handsome Gentleman are an item once again and it seems that the separation after the last time has had a positive effect. We’ve both had time to think about what we did wrong and communication between us seems to be a lot better than it was before. I hope the trend continues in the same way because it occasionally still hits me how we come from completely different worlds. Seeing as we grew up on the opposite ends of Europe, it’s no wonder.


The weather really was wonderful

I think we had the perfect mix of being lazy and cuddling on the (terribly uncomfortable!) bed at the AirBNB and doing touristy stuff such as visiting museums and eating in fancy restaurants. But we also had KFC if we felt like it and lots of Netflix and chill, so that there wasn’t too much of oh-gods-we-need-to-get-going-if-we-want-to-do-this-and-that. I also had snails for the first time ever, that was definitely an adventure 😀

However, due to Circumstances I have no idea when we can meet again. Possibly end of June when I have another vacation coming up (the next one is about to begin on Saturday but I’ll spend it on Japan, yay) and hopefully I’ll have enough money left from all the renovations that I can afford plane tickets to the Handsome Gentleman’s current country. We both agree that a long-distance relationship can only last when it becomes a no-distance relationship at some point but currently neither of us knows when that can happen and it makes me kind of sad… but c’est la vie, right?


Last morning coffee in Spain


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Project ‘Home’, yet another attempt

“Well, I suppose there’s no place like home,” she said.
“No,” said Granny Weatherwax, still looking thoughtful.
“No. There’s a billion places like home. But only one of ’em’s where you live.”

“Witches Abroad”, Terry Pratchett


So. Once again I find myself in the position of a future homeowner, this time without a mortgage, thank fuck. In a couple of months I’m going to move in to my grandma’s apartment that has been empty for over a year but before I can do that, I need to empty it from most of her stuff that she diligently hoarded over the decades. And then I have to renovate it because right now it is full of classic Soviet decor and that’s pretty much ohgodno in my books, at least if I have to live in it.

Ideally I’d do the works before moving in but that would require either lots of money or lots of time and currently I can’t say I have magnificently overflowing resources of either. Once I actually live there, I don’t really have much choice other than just do it or walk around blindfolded all the time 😛

At least the windows have been changed only a few years ago and I won’t have to buy a bed immediately, since there are two couches which both pull out. I’ll leave the floors as they are (at least for now… which probably means ‘forever’ or ‘until I fall through’) but I need to find an electrician who would check (and change if necessary) the wiring. It might be completely okay for all I know but that conclusion is better left to the professionals, I guess. The kitchen is in the worst state – I can keep the stove but those cupboards there look as if they will fall apart if I so much as breathe heavily in their general direction. The toilet and bathroom need some fresh paint and the latter could probably use a bunch of nice tiles as well. And I guess the sink there should be raised higher – I’m much taller than my grandma was.

The above was just an intro to some “before renovation” photos and here’s to hoping that I will have the “after” pics in a not-so-far-off-future as well 😀 Believe it or not, Team Me+Mom has already thrown away about half of the stuff that filled the apartment but it sort of feels like cleaning out the stables of Augeas – there’s just SO. MUCH. STUFF. And I don’t want to simply throw everything away either because there’s things I will definitely need to use myself in the future. I also try to recycle as much of these “treasures” as possible because I really hate chucking out perfectly good items that might be of use to someone else. Anyway, picspam time!

[Photos behind the cut because long post is loooooooooooong.]

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Categories: my castle, yay | 4 Comments

Winamp predicts my 2016!

Let’s see what Winamp thinks of my next year. You can see what it had to say about 2015 here and, as always, it was eerily accurate.

The rules are simple: add all your music folders to your player of choice and set it on shuffle. The titles of tracks will be answers to the questions below. (I usually skip instrumental tracks but that is a personal preference.)

1. Where am I by the beginning of 2016?

Кино – Мама, Мы Все Тяжело Больны

Мама, мы все тяжело больны…
Мама, я знаю, мы все сошли с ума…

Yeah, my mental health could indeed be better but I’m already working on it 🙂

(The rest is behind the cut, otherwise it’s an endless scroll 😛 )

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I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

“The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul”, Douglas Adams



One of my favourite snapshots from 2015

So, it’s been a year since I last published a blog post. I haven’t felt much like putting stuff down, so I’ll just try to make one very compact post about what this year has been like, although in all likelihood this blog has no readers left 😀

I met several awesome new people this year, some more intimately than others. Quite a few of them have left the country by now but I’m getting used to that. I’ve become very picky when it comes to getting to know someone new and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Quality over quantity – amirite or amirite?

Some blasts from the past happened as well. There is someone I am trying really hard to steer clear of and hope like hell I will manage that next year as well. There is someone who has been trying hard to get another chance of being a part of my life – we’ll see how that goes, I’m being rather careful there. There is someone who I haven’t talked to in many years (mainly due to the first person mentioned in this paragraph) but we have now officially made peace with each other, so that is nice.

I lost a close friend this year, for good. In a way he is not completely gone, as he will always be a part of me but it’s still hard. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about something and that he’d love it… and then it hits me that he is not with us any more. I am grateful for having known him and I cherish the memories of laughing so hard together that we cried 🙂


I made this oil painting during one of those awesome times 🙂 It was the first time I ever used oil paints, so I’d say I did pretty well.

2015 also marks the year when I finally went to see a psychiatrist and got antidepressants. I must say that they are working – I’m feeling a lot better, even though it means I need to keep away from booze. Drinking apple juice or cola at a bar just isn’t quite the same but I still do that occasionally. The main effect of the meds is that in situations where I’d have lost my shit earlier, I now just sigh and try to explain my point of view in a calm but firm manner. It’s like I’ve finally found a point of balance within me that has been lost for many many years.

Due to various reasons I have gained far more weight this year than I am comfortable with. I guess one of the tasks for next year is trying to tackle it but I’m not sure if I’ll go back to calorie counting. We shall see. At least my dance skills have improved – not as much as I would like but I’m definitely better than I was last year.

Work has been OK although I hope I will be able to change my position (but stay in the same department) next year. I feel like my best assets are not used in my current job and I would be more useful doing something else.



Oh, and I bought a brand new car in July! 🙂 It’s not very big but it’s red and cute and I am very fond of it. Come to think of it, 2015 was a year for new vehicles, as I also bought a new bicycle.


Her Royal Highness

Speaking of vacations – I went to Ireland and Italy this year – loved the first trip and hated the latter because 7000 km trapped in a bus with a chipper tour guide who never shuts up is not exactly my cup of tea. It was the absolute worst vacation I have ever had! I still haven’t uploaded the photos of either trip but I should probably deal with that very soon because in January I’ll spend a week in Barcelona and in April I’m going to Tokyo and I know I’d be really sad if something happened to my hard drive and I lost all pics from Ireland AGAIN.

I’m not making any promises about getting back to blogging in 2016 but I’m secretly hoping that I might…

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Oh, Winamp, tell me what lies ahead?

Once again – the music shuffle game to tell the future 😀 The previous year’s prediction is here and I must say that a lot of it came true 😀

The rules are simple: add all your music folders to your player of choice and set it on shuffle. The titles of tracks will be answers to the questions below.

1. Where am I by the beginning of 2015?

The Bluestones – Sleazy Bed Track

I know it’s getting late.
But if you’d like to talk a little more.
Well that’s alright with me.
I’m feeling kinda tired.

This is… oddly accurate.

2. My main task in 2015.

The Cure – Prayers for Rain

You shatter me your grip on me a hold on me so dull it kills
You stifle me infectious sense of hopelessness and prayers for rain
I suffocate I breathe in dirt and nowhere shines but desolate
And drab the hours all spent on killing time again all waiting for the rain

Yes, lately I’ve been feeling like I’m living in stale waters. Next year will be dedicated to changing that.

3. Self-fulfillment in 2015, my “me” this year.

Suicide Commando – Cause of Death: Suicide

Well, uh… I’m not planning to off myself just yet, so I hope that this is going to mean reinventing myself, a new ‘me’ 😀

4. Financial matters in 2015.

Rammstein – Zwitter

Ich gehe anders durch den Tag
Ich bin der schönste Mensch von allen
Ich sehe wunderbare Dinge
Die sind mir vorher gar nicht aufgefallen
Ich kann mich jeden Tag beglücken
Ich kann mir selber Rosen schicken
Da ist kein zweiter und kein dritter
Eins und eins das ist gleich

Apparently I’m decidedly self-sufficient 😀 😀 😀

5. Relatives and neighbours in 2015.

Id Rev – Palun

palun anna mulle tagasi mu
asbestist syda
unustin ta eile kogemata Sinu ridikyli
huulepulkade ja puudritoosi
armastuskirjade vahele
ega Sa äkki ei
vaadanud ta sisse? Aga
kui vaatasid siis
palun anna andeks
et ta oli täiesti tyhi
ta on mul nyyd tyhi
sest tyhjad sydamed
helisevad kõige ilusamini
palun ära sellest
pahaseks saa
ta mulle tagasi
ja anna
pole minu syy
pole Sinu syy
pole syy

Will there finally be peace on Earth?

6. Home in 2015.

White Skull – Grand Inquisitor

Called from the Pope
I was named inquisitor
It was the beginning of my empire
Court of Seville, court of Madrid
“I’ll bring the law of God”
Everyone will have something wrong to hide
I was a Dominican and now with the money
Of the Christians I am…
Tomas De Torquemada
Was the Grand Inquisitor
Over and over Spain

So… my resolution to learn Spanish in 2015 seems to be a good one 😀

7. Love in 2015.

Vennaskond – Subatlantiline kohtumine

Sa tuled mööda pikka teed,
ma kaugelt aiman sind,
& meie vahel lendab valgeid linde.
On seegi hea mu kallis,
et sa kunagi ei tea,
ei tea, mis toimub sügaval mu hinges.
Ma ootan tuld, mis ühelt poolt
su sigaretti sööb
& teisel pool on sinu kenad huuled.
On elu see, mu kallis,
mis meid jalust maha lööb,
& armastus, mis kestab veel, kas kuuled

This is one of my favourite punk love songs of all times, so… maybe not hopeless 🙂

8. Health in 2015.

Ultramelanhool – Oopiumiingel

Süstla nõelalt langeb tilk
Verre lendab lind
Pööra oma kaarnapilk
Tule ja armasta mind

well, I very much hope that I won’t become a heroin junkie 😀 Maybe I’ll just need to be vaccinated or something like that.

9. Partnership in 2015.

Quincy Jones – It’s My Party

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to
Cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you


Judy and johnny just walked through that door
Like a queen with her king
Oh what a birthday surprise
Judy’s wearing his ring

Now the question is – should I pay attention to the first or the last verse of this song? 😀

10. Loans, mysticism and sex in 2015.

Deftones – Nosebleed

No means no lie now find out what you get – you’re no good
You’ll sit around and throw a fucking fit
We are here onto you
You’re so far – you’re fucking gone
You won’t get to me till you cover me
I don’t need this shit till you cover me

OK, I get it – lending money to people in 2015 is not a good idea. No clue what this has to do with mysticism or sex, though.

11. Travels in 2015.

Pink Floyd – Goodbye Cruel World

Goodbye cruel world
I’m leaving you today
Goodbye all you people
There’s nothing you can say
To make me change
My mind

Well… provided that I’m still not going to kill myself, I do have some travel plans indeed. Planning to say good-bye to my hometown on several occasions next year, at least temporarily.

12. Career and new work-related commitments in 2015.

Marilyn Manson – Para Noir

Fuck you because I loved you
Fuck you for loving you too
I don’t need a reason to hate you the way I do.
Fuck you because I loved you
Fuck you for loving you too
I don’t need a reason to hate you the way I do.

Wow…. that’s… strong 😀

13. Friends and social affairs in 2015.

Dir en grey – Ain’t Afraid to Die

Er… can we stop with the death omens? O__O

14. Secrets and processes in the subconscious in 2015.

Alice Cooper – He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask)

He’s back
The man behind the mask
And he crawled out of his hole

Uhhh… I’ve had enough stalkers, thanks 😀

15. Where am I by the end of 2015?

AC/DC – Nervous Shakedown

Freeze said the man cruising the beat
You get your hands up spread your feet
Don’t you move an inch I heard him say
Or you’ll be doing time until the judgement day

Well, I sure hope someone is willing to bail me out of jail 😀

Categories: memes are good for you | 1 Comment

#30daychallenge day 30

My choice of topic


Since I’m so incredibly vain – the last photo in this challenge is a Halloween selfie 😉


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#30daychallenge day 29

My emotion today


In haste.

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