I am disappoint

Aaaaaaand we’re back to our regular emo broadcast

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

“The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones”, Neil Gaiman

*

Rant on interpersonal relationships ahead, yo.

I’m not sure why this is but every time I meet someone amazing, there’s always a catch. Other people seem to manage with far less drama (at least it doesn’t show on the outside) but in my case there’s always a certain amount of ‘well, fuck’ involved. Unfortunately, the more awesome that new person seems, the larger that particular showstopper is…

Goth Boy is a wonderful, smart, polite, attractive, sexy dude and we’re so alike in many ways that we began to call each other ‘clones’ pretty soon after we met online. We’ve also spent time together face to face which was filled to the brim with laughter and adventures of the sexy persuasion that were frankly amazing for both of us. However, he’s not in the same country as I am (AGAIN!) and… well, my position in his life could probably best be described with the word ‘lover’, as certain feelings are (were?) involved on both sides, though we always carefully tiptoe(d) around talking about them directly. There are other, more specific obstacles between us, which I’m not going to describe in detail but the general point is that I’m afraid this isn’t working out and it makes me really sad.

It’s much easier to let go of someone who isn’t treating you well than a person who is pretty much damn near perfect in every regard (and apparently thinks quite the same about you) but the trouble is that you simply cannot fit into each other’s lives at the moment. And nobody knows if a better time will ever come… it probably won’t anyway.

Right now I’ve been giving him time to sort his life out a bit, since there’s quite a lot on his plate and on the rational level I can understand that. However, I am getting tired of being reasonable and accommodating and undemanding. I don’t really like to pretend that I have the patience of a brick when I’m actually unhappy on the inside due to acute lack of attention. Although I really want to see him again and do all the fun things we can think of (and we both have extremely vivid imagination), I don’t think I can wait for as long as it may take him to get his shit together.

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Categories: borrowed feathers, I am disappoint, moving pictures | Leave a comment

Real estate is not what it’s cracked up to be

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

Alexander Pope

*

Why is it always so that just when you’re getting your life in order, someone politely taps you on your shoulder and when you turn your head to see who it is, they slyly piss on your foot while you’re looking the other way?

Long story short, the neighbours (or at least one neighbour, who may or may not have tried to set the others against me) of my hometown flat are suddenly extremely pissed off at me that I still don’t live in my apartment nor renovate it and sent me a rude and threatening e-mail. I’m pretty sure this has to do with a certain news article that stirred passions around here a few weeks ago, as to my knowledge nobody gave a damn until now. Since several people there have my phone number, I stupidly assumed that someone would, you know, give me a call if something was bothering them. Apparently I was gravely mistaken and instead received an e-mail under which all the people in the house had ‘signed’ and which demanded that I immediately take action regarding the apartment. Else they’ll sue me and maybe even force me to sell it against my will because they are convinced that my carelessness will cause the house to fall to pieces.

What the fuck, people? What happened to saying ‘yo, there’s an issue, what are you going to do about it?’ first, like normal grown-ups do? My apartment is insulated well enough so that the temperature does not drop below 0 in any weather and there is absolutely no water usage there, which means no moisture either. Every time I’ve been there it’s been as dry as in a pyramid, for fuck’s sake. And as for the heating – Jesus Christ on a tricycle, people! – it’s March! Where were you in November, or even January?

control

Apparently there have been no meetings of the apartment owners’ association – or so I was told – but amazingly they all decided to contact me all at once, channeling their thoughts through this one individual. If it turns out that I was lied to and there actually have been meetings in the past few years or so, I will be extremely miffed, as that would mean I have all the obligations but no rights, since I have not been informed of any such gatherings at all.

When I replied to that e-mail and asked why was I being threatened with court from square one, the response was ‘this is not a threat, this is a warning!’ Well, I don’t know – statements that end in ‘…OR ELSE!!!’ pretty much classify as threats in my book. I am yet to receive a reply to my last e-mail in which I explained why this sort of approach is not very profitable if the goal is to find a solution to the problem and wanted to know what it exactly is that they want me to do then, as this was not pointed out neither before nor after the ‘warning’. Unfortunately I only have this one person’s e-mail address but I asked her to share my latest response with the whole house. I’ll wait for a while and then I’ll probably call my next door neighbour and ask about his point of view on the matter.

Yes, RDN – if you’re reading this you’re welcome to happily go ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ all over the place.

Oh well. I was planning to sell my car and use the $$$ as a down-payment for a new one but it seems that I’m going to have to use it for renovation purposes instead and learn to live without four wheels again for a while. To be honest, I can’t carry on like this forever – owning two flats I can’t live in and paying rent for the third, so maybe this was a kick I sort of needed… but there are the friendlier kind of kicks and then there are kicks in the teeth.

Well, my New Year’s Winamp prediction *did* describe my relations with neighbours this year with ‘Count to 6 and Die’. *le sigh*

And for some reason I’ve been playing this song over and over and over tonight:

They say that I’m a clown
making too much dirty sound
they say there is no place
for little monkey in this town
nobody like to be
in my place instead of me
’cause nobody go crazy
when I banging on my boogie

Categories: arrrgh, I am disappoint, moving pictures | Leave a comment

Wishful thinking

“All right,” said Susan. “I’m not stupid. You’re saying humans need… fantasies to make life bearable.”

REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.

“Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—”

YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.

“So we can believe the big ones?”

YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.

“They’re not the same at all!”

YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME…SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.

“Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what’s the point—”

MY POINT EXACTLY.”

“Hogfather”, Terry Pratchett

*

When you wish for something to happen so hard that you’re willing to go great lengths to achieve it and you finally get it, you may learn that it is not what you were hoping for in the first place. It’s even worse when you discover that it is exactly what you asked for but very far from what you wanted. I am pretty certain that there’s this bunch of genies who are always on the verge of dying of boredom and therefore try to pick up any wishes in the ether they can get their hands on, just to make someone’s life miserable – and therefore entertaining – by fulfilling those wishes to the letter, only with a horrible twist.

Having fantasies is extremely important (and by this I don’t mean the kind that will get you off, although those are nice as well). Their purpose is exactly what the quote above says – “to be human”. The older you become, the more boring your everyday life tends to get and this is where the brain can kick in and help you cope with the mindnumbing dullness of routine in order to avoid you becoming this bitter aging person that gets on everyone else’s nerves.

Every social construct is, when you get right down to it, a fantasy. They are simply shared by a significant number of people and are therefore considered The Truth. A million flies on cowpats can’t be wrong, right? Doesn’t necessarily have to be a cowpat, other animals poop as well to the flies’ great delight (and different cultures have different fantasies), but the general principle remains the same.

I don’t understand people who say they have no imagination. I’m sure they do but it’s somewhere very deep down and they just don’t want to let it out because that would be silly or improper or childish. Mine, on the other hand, is more vivid than I would care for at times… Yet again it seems that I may have imagined something that drew me to a person in the first place, as it looks like these features have been washed off as time went by and now I don’t even know if they were ever there to begin with. I don’t know what to believe any more and reality seems to be harsher than I would prefer.

The moment you try to squeeze a fantasy into everyday life without making the necessary adjustments in your mindset first is the moment when things start going downhill. It’s like trying to push a square peg in a round hole – if you try really hard, you will probably manage it but is it worth the trouble and broken fingernails?

Categories: borrowed feathers, I am disappoint, internal inspection | Leave a comment

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